The Thing About Married Women

Disclaimer: The idea behind this post isn't to scandalize or judge anyone. It's just one of these things that I've thought about for a while. Nothing more and nothing less.

Why Married Women and not Married Men? Well, you know the answer already. *Most* married men tend to think more or less on the same lines. Which in short is "mauke pe chauka".

Married Women, however are a different species which come in almost as many varieties as you can think of. The context of this post is women who are on a lookout for something outside their marriage. One thing which me and a couple of my friends(with experience) agree to is that married women(on the lookout), take lying to a new level all together. While you can predict lies that married men might tell, you can't possibly imagine how married women could lie to get what they seek. They'll do things and plan things in such a way that their men would somehow end up feeling good about the whole thing than being uncomfortable. I've seen/heard a bit and I am shit scared of how this works.

While nearly everyone needs to know/connect/interact with different/new people various people take things forward differently.Women want men in their lives almost as much as men need women in theirs, it's the needs however which differ. As per my understanding the need to have opposite gender can be categorized into four categories.

1. Physical
2. Intellectual
3. Emotional 
4. Social

Apart from these four needs is another need for change/something new

When you are married (or even in a serious relationship) with someone, chances are that at most two or three of these four needs would be taken care of (exceptions of 4/4 are always there however rare). It is the missing need(s) from this need pyramid along with the universal need for new/change that are tricky.

Once you are missing something you need, first you unconsciously realize it and start seeking it and after a while you become aware of it consciously and get on a lookout. The four needs are self explanatory and many a times the seeker is aware(at some level of consciousness) of what they are looking out for. However, the other person in question, the friend/boy-friend etc has a tough time making sense of what's going on in their relationship or whatever you may call it.

Married women have their own ways of seeking the missing needs or having someone new in their lives.

Some of the ways include

1. Social Networking Sites
   
   Connect with someone/many on Facebook etc. Keep liking, commenting(selectively) each others updates. Exchange pvt messages once in a while. That's the most the women will be comfortable with. No offline interaction, no meetings, no chances of being on the wrong side while still flirting with men
2.  Messengers
   Whatsapp/BBM take things to the next level. For those women who feel comfortable with taking things to the next level will add the guy on their messenger and chit-chat with them as per their convenience. Replying at will, not texting at odd hours, being careful with the language they use are some of the precautions to avoid any untoward questions by the spouse
   
   Social Media and Messengers can have different comfort levels for different women, while for some having a new guy Facebook is ok while for some having him on BBM is better than having him on Facebook.
3. Phone
   
   The more enthusiastic ones will avoid Social Media and/or Messengers (for the fear of being checked upon and not leaving an online trace) will prefer to keep things on phone. They are generally more sophisticated than the 1st and 2nd category ones. They precisely know what they are doing and what they want. Some ground rules like day/time restrictions aside they'll be the most comfortable on phone and will talk more openly.
4. In Person
   
   This is where the game gets Real. Talking on phone, whatsapping or private messaging on Facebook is all in air and can things turn around anytime. You might get unfriended, blocked or even the phone number might change leaving the guy in question with little left. If 60% of women would back out before Phone level, about 40% of those who move to phone level will never make it beyond that.

If you are a guy, it would make a lot of sense(besides saving tons of hours) if you could get to level 3 and 4 early in the game. If she is taking a lot of time to get on phone or meet, chances are she might take forever to reach where you want her to. 

Married women hanging out with someone often is more likely than not going to lead to more things. As always, exceptions are there everywhere.  Whatever you do guys, try to identify which need of hers is she trying to find in you. This will save you a lot of time and disappointment, if you are looking to get laid.

If she is looking to be emotional while you are acting all intellectual or being interested in laying her, things, might never work out. Conversely, if she is in it for sex (though women generally tend to not need sex by itself. They need emotions and sex in that order mostly) and you are too busy being social it is a waste.

Emotional,Intellectual, Social and Physical that in my opinion is the order in which most married women have their needs. For some Social and Physical may interchange and for some really sure ones the order might just be Physical, Intellectual, Social and Emotional. Most women would rather talk or hang out with a guy then be in bed with them. As long as you keep taking them out and keep them conversationally engaged (or better just keep listening for most women would rather talk day to day chit chat than discuss poetry or philosophy ) they are just fine. 

I personally feel the best mix is all four needs in the following order Intellectual, Physical, Emotional and Social. I can't imagine being with someone I can't have an exciting conversation with.

The most popular option out there would probably be Emotional/Social needs only or Emotional/Intellectual followed by Social/Physical. Rare, would be cases which start with Physical and these would be easy to identify.

Infidelity be it physical, emotional, intellectual or social (if we can count it) is a debatable thing and it is for an individual to decide which one is worse, whichever way it would be going forward we'd be seeing more of these in the times to come.

The Expectation Trap

For as long as I can remember I have this strange problem of expecting people(especially close friends) to do things in a way I would have done had I been in their place. Needless to say I've been disappointed more times than I remember or can count. On the face of it, it's not that big a deal to expect people to act in the way I would have acted had I been in their position, for ex: I need some help from close friend in a particular situation, then I would expect that close friend to help me to the extent in which I would have helped in had he been in my position but trust me, it's really a great deal(full of disappointments).

I get particularly fed up when people(read friends) fall way short of expectations and behave in the most weirdest of ways. Add to this the fact that through most of my life I've given equal(almost) importance to my friends and family but many a times I have felt let down upon. Maybe it happens with everyone but I certainly have had my share of such experiences. Be it closest of your friends or people who met you somewhere on the crossroads of life and happened to get along enough to hang out for few months or years. The sad bit being I am not yet able to identify any pattern in this and thus have run into such situations again and again. I hope I am not this way to anyone I know.

Last two months have been really hard for me, harder than anything I've ever been through and I expected people around me, especially those that matter to have behaved in a certain way but I have no qualms in accepting that I've been hugely disappointed. Barring a couple odd people, most people have let me(and my expectations) down to the extent that now I regret spending the time I spent with them. I am cool about all other things but the time I spent(read wasted) on them, hanging out with them, listening 'em out and if needed offering a helping hand in their hour of need(or breakup as in many cases).

I know I might sound over critical and rude but more often than not people suck at communicating. They just can't communicate. I still don't understand how can people be like that. Some of my supposedly good friends either didn't call me to ask how are things or did it just once/twice in the span of 60 days and only I know what did I got to hear from those who did.
It was a surprising(which might be and I hope too it's wrong) realization that people are way too out of world to handle crisis like situations because of limitations in which they see things and how they approach them(within a restricted realm of possibilities).

On sharing the above mentioned with a dear friend I was told that it all depends on the type of individual, some people who are helpful and likes will be supportive, caring etc with all their friends alike(irrespective of who spends more time with time) while those who aren't, will be the same i.e at a superficial level. It sounds like a logical thing to me and I guess that's the case but if that's the case 1) why didn't I realize those people are like that and 2) I don't think I need more people of that kind in my life.

Moral of the story: If you can't lower your expectations, lower the number of people who fall in the area of expectation to lessen disappointments.

Friends First ?

It's a fairly common(and apparently logical) belief that two people who share an intimate relationship(affair, marriage etc) should be friends first and lovers later. The premise being "It's important to connect as friends first(sharing, caring) and getting comfortable before going a level higher i.e Love". While it sounds like an ideal thing it's not really as good as it sounds especially if taken literally.

From my personal experiences and observations of people around I've learned that one(especially guys) should never really become friend friend with their girls and instead be boyfriend friend. Sounds confusing ? Ok, let me clear it a bit.

At the start of most relationships there has to be a different way of approaching things especially between two same aged people of opposite sex. It requires both to be frank, honest, understanding, accommodating, caring and so on. It's not only like putting your best foot(read nature) forward but in some cases also portraying traits that aren't even remotely yours. Getting back to the main point, guys somehow know that they have to be a girl's friend before being her boyfriend and that's what they start being. While there's nothing wrong with this approach but like most medicines the dosage needs to be precise to avoid its side effects i.e you have to be a friend only to the extent that the situation(or girl) requires and not over do it. When a guy starts being more and more friend like in order to either impress her or try and be a more mature, caring, understanding guy(maybe in his own eyes only) he starts loosing it all together for reasons and is more often than not being taken for granted.

It's human nature to stretch things until some signs of cracks start appearing. To put things in context for example if the girl you are trying to woo starts talking about her ex(or ex's) with you and you like a good boy that you are actively listen and participate in discussions. Not that it's wrong or anything but it BEWARE: UNLESS YOU PUT A FULL STOP OR SHOW THAT YOU DON'T REALLY APPRECIATE IT, GIRLS WILL NEVER REALIZE HOW DETRIMENTAL THIS IS(OR COULD BE) TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

While being understanding (and showing it) is good, here also if you try to understand everything like it's your duty(or that's what love is all about) you are in for some trouble. Because unless you are truly great you pot of patience and understanding will start overflowing and you'll end up feeling bad because you feel your partner doesn't really understand you and is only concerned about his/her convenience and priorities.

I've seen use and abuse of "friends first" in many cases with each one different from the previous one. From what I've gathered, it's perfectly OK(if not good) if you are friends with your lover to just to an extent and not in totality. It's ok if you tell her/him to not talk about this/that(read past relationships) too much. It's ok if you tell her/him to not get too friendly with x,y or z etc etc because from my observations people who rather than waiting for their patience, understanding to reach their threshold tell their partners much earlier what's cool and what's not cool with them end up fairing better than those who don't.

Secondary Affairs aka Fallback Relationships

I've always been inclined to categorize relationships people share,like the one here Desperate Relationships. Relationships would arguably one of the most complex forms of social interaction as a LOT goes into getting them started and even more to keep them going. Many a times people who are into relationships don't on the surface know why they got into it, why they are still in it and if they are getting what they had in mind before getting in. Relationships here include Friendships too.

Most of the categorizes I put relationships into are a result of my own imagination so don't be surprised if Google doesn't offer more on these categories :)
I've been observing quite a few relationships around me for some time and have reached a conclusion that having "secondary affairs or fallback/backup relationships" has caught up lately. I doubt if things were this way sometime back.To get some context lets consider a few examples:

1) A girl doing her Post Grads and in a serious relationship(plans to get married) with a guy for a couple of years is great friends with another guy and shares things with him that she doesn't/cannot share with her boyfriend. Not only this on the physical plane they share mutual attraction towards each other(just short of the first step) but they aren't in a regular touch and the frequency of their contact depends on how her relationship is going with her boyfriend. Her Boyfriend doesn't have a clue about this.

2) A Casanova in his early twenties despite having numerous flings hasn't let go of a girl who loves him. He sets aside some time and space for her on a regular basis. This has been going on for some years now and should unless someone decides to take a decision.

3) A married women who can share things with another friend that she can't even think of sharing with her Husband. Every time she has an emotional low she runs to him(think Emotional whore).

4) Heard on FM: A married lady with a kid has got into relationship with a guy because he stimulates her intellectually more than her husband. She still loves her husband and gives some time(and other things off course) to this relationship.

These relationships have attributes of what can be called 'extra marital affairs', 'two timing' etc but the main point being that people are in not necessarily for their carnal desires and they don't want to let go of the secondary affairs because they know in some senses these relationships are a surprise ingredient in their primary relationships and thus the success of one is kinda dependent on the presence/success of other.

Some attributes of a secondary affair could be
1) Emotional/Intellectual/Physical backup
2) The subject chooses to keep the details to him/herself and his/her partner is for most parts unaware about the comfort/chemistry he/she shares in this other relationship.
3) The time and effort that goes into these relationships is quite less as to some extent both parties know how it fits into their scheme of things and probably that's why they look so attractive.

What people fail to realize in the "cushion effect" of secondary relationships is that they are instead of working on the problem and making effort in a lasting solution are opting for an easy way out and a solution that can be temporary at best and might cause more harm than good. Having said that I am afraid but I see more of these affairs/relationships in times to come.

The Love Problem of A Student - Part One

By a stroke of fate I ended up spotting, buying & reading Carl Jung's
"Aspects of the Feminine". Ever since I began reading it I've been completely lost in the ideas/thoughts presented in it and feel like spending more time wandering in those deep thoughts of human psyche. What follows below is an attempt for the same by quoting some of the ideas from a chapter titled "The Love Problem of A Student" which can serve as bookmark for the thoughts presented.

Love is a force of destiny whose power reaches from heaven to hell.
The bone of contention here is Love problem involving a student, what causes it and what becomes of it because unlike love between two adults marriage is not the socially/morally apt solution.

The discussion starts from the fact that why child marriages(marriage between two students) isn't particularly good. The most obvious reasons being lack of social, financial & psychological maturity and some practical problems concerning parents education and livelihood and child's upbringing. Since having children by a child marriage is not the best thing the discussion wanders to the importance of having children in a marriage and how they act like a cement between parents and prevent them to think on a purely individualistic/selfish terms.

Another interesting aspect of the whole discussion is the effect puberty and sexual maturity has on boys and girls. While in girls the sexual maturity comes gradually with time in boys there's an outburst of sexuality around onset of puberty but on the contrary the psychological maturity comes earlier to girls as compared to the boys of same age. "He now has the sexuality of a grown man with the soul of a child" quotes Jung.On the other hand most women get in touch with their sexuality much later and at times by accident.

"Often the flood of obscene fantasies and smutty talk with schoolfellows pour like a torrent of dirty water over all his delicate and childish feelings, sometimes smothering them forever. Unexpected moral conflicts arise, temptations of every description lie in wait for him and weave themselves into fantasies. The psychic assimilation of the sexual complex causes him the greatest difficulties though he may not be conscious of its existence. The onset of puberty also brings about considerable changes in his metabolism as can be seen from the pimples and acne that so often afflict adolescents. The psyche is disturbed in a similar manner and thrown off its balance. At this age the young man is full of illusions, which are always a sign of psychic disequilibrium. They make stability and maturity of judgment impossible.His tastes, his interests, his plans alter fitfully.He can suddenly fall head over heels in love with a girl, and a fortnight later he cannot conceive how anything of that sort could have happened to him. He is so riddled with illusions that he actually needs those mistakes to make him conscious of his own taste and individual judgment. He is still experimenting with life, and must experiment with it in order to learn how to judge things correctly. Hence there are very few men who have not had sexual experiences of some kind before they are married. During puberty it is mostly homosexual experiences, and these are much more common than is generally admitted."

Moving ahead the author says heterosexual experiences come later and are not always beautiful. Because of the sexual complex, sexuality is reduced to animal play with no psychological distinctions thus just about any women will do. Author further warns us not to draw conclusions about a man's character based on this, however many experiences of this kind bring negative influences to the personality of the concerned.
"The result is that though the man in question is outwardly a respectable citizen, inwardly he is prey to sexual fantasies of the lowest kind, or else he represses them and on some festive occasion they come leaping to the surface in their primitive form, much to the astonishment of the unsuspecting wife--assuming, of course, that she notices what is going on. A frequent accompaniment is premature coldness towards the wife."

These are some of the thoughts put forward by the author and I could relate A LOT to them. Could you ?

Next part would cover college-love affairs, how they effect personalities of those involved and the case with a student being involved with an older person.

Awesome Quote

“When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”

Tom Ribbins